Part 1:
Even writing that word makes me cringe in a way. In my mid-thirties, I didn’t expect to be touting the “back in my day” trope yet, but here we are. I might even say it proudly when I tell my kids things.
“Wokeness”- noun; a state of being aware, especially of social problems such as racism and inequality:
The funny thing is that I think many people agree with this term in principle, but just not in the definitions that they know. Fake news has corrupted just about every definition they see, and now it’s become such a slovenly mess that the message is over. You can’t even say the terms without someone getting upset and reacting in a way that is antithetical to the entire message and then it becomes a lost exercise. Maybe that was their point-obfuscate until terms have no meaning, or the opposite of what they should mean. The swastika, after all, was technically a peaceful symbol until it was co-opted by the Nazis and now it’s an international symbol of hate.
This comes about because I saw an associate trying to rail against the term “toxic masculinity” on Facebook. The post said something along the lines of; tough men are necessary to do the dirty jobs, so therefore toxic masculinity is necessary and if you believe in this bullshit you’re a weak person. I’m paraphrasing, of course. It had a smattering of praises, which is not uncommon on Facebook, but it made me sigh. I figured that associate was smart enough to realize the different between doing a job considered “tough” and then also realizing what the actual meaning of “toxic masculinity” truly is. I suspect he just wanted attention, but that obfuscation machine has done it’s job so here we are.
If you’ve read this long and are following, strap in, it’s about to go for a while. IF not, that’s cool too, go play with your blocks or something.
It’s a small town with midwestern values that that associate and I come from. We both played the same “tough” sports-football, wrestling, etc. and were moderately successful in both-perpetuating our “toughness”. We both went to college, which is not necessarily normal for the area. I mention my “toughness” in this respect because I lived many of the same experiences he did, but I offer the differing opinion. He now works in one of those “tough” job positions, a builder-someone who does something with his hands and physicality. Many people from that area do those kinds of jobs. Those jobs are necessary and are nothing to besmirch.
I believe that his greater point was that the jobs he works gets little respect. I’m not sure where that perspective comes in-other than an echo chamber that thumbing the noses of those “rich leftists” that don’t respect this line of work, is fun. In an ideal world, he would feel valued for the work he does and not have the feeling that nobody respects him. Maybe that’s why we needs to prove that he’s still “tough”. I still respect him, even if he posts things like this.
But that’s also the exact opposite message of what toxic masculinity is. The whole point of toxic masculinity is to stop the cycle of emotional stunting that comes with the societal association of being a man. Unironically, you could say that he’s preaching toxic masculinity by posting about “babies crying that they can’t do a tough job”.
The point of declaring toxic masculinity is to allow men to express their feelings and discontinue to perpetuate the cycle that men need to suffer in silence among those problems. We know some men have tough jobs. We know that some men sometimes have to suffer (I’m not decrying anything for women yet, this is only about men and the toxic masculinity). But to say that feelings are bullshit or to declare one person’s perspective as invalid is just as bullshit. Many of those men in those tough positions readily admit that they work those jobs specifically so their kids “don’t have to”, or for their family betterment. And many men who work those tough jobs end up with addiction problems and problems relating their feelings as well. If communication is key, then it’s no secret that those stunted into thinking that they must be tough and not admit their feelings won’t relate to their family very well and can have marital problems. It’s real tough to push your family away and not be able to relate to them. Real tough to make your children hate you and grow up to not want to be anything like you because you cannot talk to them.
If you think that’s ridiculous, you must think how ridiculous it is that many of our veterans come home and kill themselves (1.5 times the normal rate, and around 115k dead so far since 2001), or end up homeless, or shells of people (divorce rates and more) by being in one of the most toxic environments for feelings. Go ahead and look up those statistics. It’s one of the reasons why many people are turning to things that help them cope with those stressful environments-drug usage and more (that’s close to 20% for addiction rates). You can’t deny this and say that it’s only those who are weak-the evidence and numbers are more against than they are for-over 30% of veterans return with some form of PTSD and metal health problems.
My best friend-not this acquaintance, spent multiple tours in that environment and has mental health problems that he battles on a daily basis. He recognizes them, and uses his experiences to help others grow and realize that it’s okay to admit that you need help, even if it’s mental help-which could be considered the toughest of them all-given that “there’s nothing physically wrong with them”. I’ve actually had multiple family members serve in the military, and they all have some complaints about the nature of the war machine and the complex.
The point is; even in the “toughest” jobs, the “toughest” environments, there’s something wrong with the way that people think about them that continues to be bad for mental health. And it’s not weakness to admit it. The addiction rates alone speak for the need to combat and overcome the experiences that men go through-both for military and for just plain old civilian life. Admitting is part of the path to acknowledging it and accepting it.
Life is hard, and it may be easier in today’s world and society than it has ever been, but that still doesn’t give anyone an excuse to use those terms to belittle others and devalue their opinions. Isn’t that what the original associate is asking for in the first place? Validation of his feelings and respect for his work? Would we call him a baby or weak because although he works in a “tough” field, but he’s not being shot at every day like my best friend once was? Are you allowed to only say that because you did what would be considered the “toughest” you can only speak about the levels that others go through? Is only the best of the best our leader? If that were true, Trump would not have sniffed a podium, let alone become leader of the “free” world.
I would like to think that the common and shared experience on the planet allows for people to accept and recognize that some suffer unfairly, and some need more help than others. Allowing someone to talk about their experiences and helping them isn’t weakness. Allowing someone to open up and become a better person isn’t weakness. Allowing someone to admit to being happy and relieved isn’t weakness. And that’s the point of the term “toxic masculinity”. We can allow those who have been to afraid to say something to open up and not bully them for their point of view. We can erase some of those deaths that passed because someone couldn’t, wouldn’t or was afraid to admit they needed help.
You can still feel that some are “tough”. You can still respect others for their ability to do things you wouldn’t want to do or couldn’t do. You can also do it without the bullying aspect that you need to prove it. I still wrestle and play “manly” sports. I’ve also realized that it’s only necessary for positive motivation and growth, not because I need to prove that I’m “tough”. I like to prove I’m the best at what I do, but not because others are weak, but now because I can enjoy the challenge. And realizing that made the world of difference in my mental health as well. Everything else is bluster-the negative half of a leftover society. We left things that don’t work in the past, we should leave this there as well.
And for those who think that bullying is necessary are those that haven’t truly experienced it. Bullying isn’t necessary. The challenge is-you need something to strive for. But saying that someone needs a head in the toilet has never had their head in the toilet before. Accepting that you can live a good and full life without the need for sadistic abuse is the new way forward. Embrace it.